As we transition to summer, you and your child may find yourself with more unstructured/unplanned time that will provide opportunities for them to work on patience and self-control. Children, especially younger ones, live in the moment. Developmentally, they lack the ability to consider the consequences of their actions or recall set limits in time to stop themselves. Plus, they are learning to understand what behavior is socially acceptable. Patience is also challenging for young children because they want things “Now!” and they may not have the language or experience to understand why or when the things they want will become available. That being said, research has found that a child’s ability to control their impulses and delay gratification is highly predictive of future academic success because without these skills children are unable to listen, attend to instructions, and learn. There are a variety of methods you can use to support your child in developing these important skills.
Play Games that Teach Self-Control: Children learn self-control by learning how to stop and control their bodies. There are many games that you can play that can help children learn to control their bodies, listen and follow directions. Play games using the words “stop and go,” “fast and slow,” “loud and soft” or “whisper and shout.” Familiar games include “Duck, Duck, Goose”, “Red Light, Green Light”, “Follow the Leader”, “Hot Potato” and “Simon Says”. You can use these examples to create your own simpler versions for younger children. For example, you can make a game out of walking in the street where you say “go, go, go” on the sidewalk and then “stop” on every corner.
Music and Movement: There are many children’s songs that require children to pair words with actions which provide opportunities for children to practice self-control and good listening skills. “Freeze Dance” is a great game to start with because it is easy for children with limited language to understand. Many children’s CDs have songs that encourage children to perform different actions (e.g., Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes) as well as songs with different tempos that teach children to control their bodies by moving fast or slow.
Turn-Taking Games: Games that require turn-taking are a great way to learn waiting as it is predictable. Games between only you and your child are a good way to start. Then you can add a third and fourth player to increase the amount of time waiting between turns.
Teach Waiting: Increase your child’s ability to wait by slowly increasing the time between the request and the delivery of the desired item. You can use the word “wait” consistently to help your child begin to understand that this word means that the item or action is coming. For instance, if your child is requesting an item, you can say, “Sure, I’ll get it for you. Wait a minute mommy is coming.” Then slowly add wait time by making comments about preparing the food item or trying to find the item, while reassuring your child that the item is on its way. You can use other natural opportunities to teach the word “waiting” while waiting for the elevator to open, waiting in line, or waiting for a turn on the swing or slide.
Do projects together that require patience. For example, sprinkle grass seeds over moist soil in a cup, cover it with plastic wrap, and set it on a sunny windowsill. In a few days, your child can enjoy the sprouts.
Make Waiting Concrete: Use visual timers or kitchen timers to help your child begin to understand the concept of time and to teach them to wait for certain things that are not yet available (e.g., to show and explain that dinner will not be ready for 10 minutes). Timers are also helpful to teach siblings to take turns. Explain that when they hear or see the timer go off, they will get the activity or item they want.
Give Choices that Encourage Delayed Gratification: Try to “bargain” with your child by making comments like, “you can have one cookie now, or you can have two cookies if you wait until after dinner.” These types of choices will encourage your child to control their impulses and desire for instant gratification and instead wait to get a bigger reward at a later time – a very important lesson they will benefit from later in life.
Deliver on promises: If you promise to do something if your child will wait, make sure to follow through! Your child needs to trust that if he/she waits, you’ll come through.
Be a Role Model for Self-Control: Model for your child how to stay calm in frustrating situations. Verbalize your feelings and how you are coping with them in front of your child. Do not overreact to situations by yelling or losing control when you are angry because then your child will learn that this is an acceptable way to express their feelings. Instead, if something is upsetting you or you feel angry, make comments like, “I’m very mad right now. I’m going to take a deep breath and calm down. It’s okay. I can handle this.” This type of language will help your child learn that it is okay to have strong feelings but that there are appropriate ways of coping with them.
Get Physical: Have your child work off some energy at appropriate times throughout the day, so that during times when they are expected to have a quieter body or to wait, they will not be bursting at the seams to move their body.
Calming activities: On days where your child is especially impatient, help them to engage in activities that they consistently find calming.
Be Prepared: Be sure to pack a snack or a favorite toy for those stuck-in-a-queue situations. It’s also a good idea to tote along a picture book or a mini board game that comes out only during long waits, so your child finds them special.
Give Kudos: When your child behaves well while waiting to mail a package at the post office, praise him! It’s a win-win: He feels proud of himself, and because you reinforced his positive behavior he’s more likely to repeat it the next time you’re delayed.
Environment: Provide your child with a predictable environment where they know what to expect and what is expected of them. Providing children with a consistent routine, continuously teaching and reviewing rules and expectations, using consistent language to teach new skills, setting consistent limits and praising good behavior will improve your child’s capacity to develop a degree of self-control and patience that will enable them to manage their own behavior in the future.
